8.06.2011

My Disdain for Children

Hello strangers.
I wrote this little monologue in the airport in Dublin...it may become part of a larger stage production, but for now it's just a brief look into my craziness.

I hate children. No really, I do.  My anti-baby comments usually elicit a giggle or an eye roll from my friends who tell me, "It'll be different with your own kids." But I truly do not want kids.  Maybe more than hate them, I fear them.  They are terrifying.  Children have the confidence to believe that the world revolves around them, and for all intensive purposes, it does.
Oh, you can't sleep?  Yeah, your well rested-ness is much more important than mine, since I only have a full-time job to go to and you have the arduous task of laying around and pooping your pants.  You want to scream for no reason on an airplane?  By all means, you go ahead, since you paid for your ticket with your own hard-earned money.  But they are children, so they get special rights.  If I screamed on an airplane I would be forcibly removed and treated to a free pap smear by TSA.

But more than just the fear of children, I am terrified of motherhood.  Just cause it comes from my vagina doesn't mean I somehow gain super mom powers.  That would be kind of cool though... But I mean, how can I, or ANYONE really, claim to be ready for raising a human being with morals and ideals, and an awesome sense of humor? Did popping out two kids make Britney Spears a good mother? No, it didn't.  It DID make her bald and crazy, and NO WONDER.  Children are all-consuming soul suckers.  Plenty of people tell me that children are rays of light in an otherwise dim world.

And to them I say - how are you not terrified of a super-baby with mutant light generating powers?

You stay classy,
Cass

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